(1) The big case I'm working on went crazy, people lost their minds, and I was left to clean up the mess. 300 hours a month. Three months in a row. Exhausted is a nice word for what I am. Thus, today I am working from home in my sweats.
(2) The damned vertigo has reared it's ugly head in a way that has finally forced me to see the doctor and figure out why it will not stop.
However, I really a determined to make it better. To start making my life as important as my career. I made it to class last night to observe, and I was itching to get back out there. I really do train with the best people--though I have a confession to make: I'm terrified to train with guys again.
When I first started training, I was the only girl every night and so I didn't even have the option to train with women. I worked really hard to encourage women to train, and eventually we had so many women training we had to add a women's class that usually had at least four women attend. Some days we had so many women in regular class that we did our own thing during drilling and sparring. I also started going to girls' class at a gym about 50 miles away every Saturday to train with different women. In short, I apparently became a big chicken about rolling with guys. I tried to suck it up, and then at belt promotion in August, my worst fears came true.
At our academy we play a game on promotion day called the Rubber Band Game. We each get three rubber bands for our wrists and we spar for about an hour, non-stop. If you lose, you give your opponent your rubber band. The point is to have as many as possible at the end. It is actually really fun, because you are only allowed to spar with your belt level and it is a chance for the people getting promoted to roll with at their belt for the last time. It was my first belt promotion day, and I was really excited. Unfortunately, one of the guys at the academy -- another white belt -- was so into winning the game and took it too personally and too far. After my husband, who was promoted to blue later that day (YAY!!) beat him in about 30 seconds (as per usual) he noticed I didn't have a partner yet and asked me to roll. As I sat down and we slapped hands, he told me that my husband had just beaten him and he was going to need to make sure to get a rubber band back. He then went really really hard at me, and knocked the wind out of me and took my arm. I tapped fast, because it wasn't worth it. As he was taking my rubber band he told me to tell my husband they were even.
I was in shock. I couldn't believe it had actually happened. I bragged about my academy being a place where women aren't treated any differently and I feel safe. I didn't feel safe and I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. I told my husband eventually, and my professors, and they took care of it, but it has me really rattled. I'm actually really scared to roll with any guy that is even remotely bigger than me now. The vertigo and my job has been a great excuse to stay off the mat, but it has made the fear of rolling with guys even worse.
On top of it, I don't really have any women to talk about it with anymore. And I'm so embarrassed about being scared to roll with guys that I don't want to admit it to the two women I train most with because they are such tough women who never back down from drilling or rolling with men.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to get over it, I'd love to hear them.
First: Wow, a guy thought he could get "revenge" on your husband (who always beats him) by beating up you? (And over a rubber band??!) *mouth hanging open*
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*mouth still hanging open*
Please tell me this guy is under 20 and/or has not been training long and/or has always been an idiot. And please tell me that your husband kicks the snot out of this guy whenever he gets the chance.
That is just unreal. And completely and totally indefensible behavior.
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Second: Like you, I started with all guys & rarely had the option of rolling with women from the beginning. For a while it was great and I scarcely even noticed, and even most white belts -- even guys who started after me -- would all play nice with me. Life was good.
And then... I don't know what happened -- if it was a new guy who felt "threatened", or if a higher belt told the white belts I was doing better than them -- but it seemed as if a switch was thrown and suddenly the white belts wanted to break me. Not just submit me, not even submit me as many times as possible; but instead it felt like every roll was about them purposely trying to injure me. I was afraid to let them touch my arms for fear they would bend them & snap them in the middle. Any little thing I did -- like move my hands as if I might get a sleeve grip -- would set them off.
There was a set of 4-6 guys who I became terrified of. Worse, I'd start getting terrified as soon as they walked in the academy because I realized there was the possibility that I might have to roll with them. I always knew where they were in the room, and I always tried to avoid them. My coach, however, didn't know what was going on, and kept putting me with those guys, thinking it would help me get tougher. I started becoming very defensive in all my rolls, even those with guys who I was not scared of. Rationally I knew that it was only the small set of guys who I needed to be careful around, but I couldn't make that separation when I was on the mat. I finally had a meltdown on the mats with one of the good guys. When my coach and I talked about it later, he asked for the names of the guys I was scared of, and he made sure to keep them away from me. (Most have left the school now, but 2 have grown in to good training partners. Just took them 2+ years each.)
So I totally understand the feeling of being terrified of rolling with guys. I'd be willing to bet that your other female training partners have, too, at some point, if only over one particular numbskull.
Hi, I found your blog today by following Leslie's link.
ReplyDeleteI understand your fear.
Like Leslie (and you) I train with men. I am lucky to roll with another lady anywhere outside of competition.
How to deal? I dunno. I can say panic attacks/meltdowns in the changeroom probably aren't the best way to go. ;)
Leslie, I was just as shocked as you were. Yes, the guy is younger; our academy has a lot of young UCLA guys in attendance who are figuring out how to be grown ups. It takes...patience. What was most hurtful about the whole thing was that I never considered him a threat, and actually defended him to several people who thought he was a jerk. My professors handled it really well, though it was the most mortifying thing to have to admit. I had never ever been scared of any guy during a roll before. Honestly, the women scare me more!
ReplyDeleteThank you both for the feedback. It seems my vertigo situation has been correctly diagnosed and death with, so I'll be back at class tomorrow. So excited!!
My husband would like you both to know he does smash that guy, repeatedly. And often. :)
Hey! I just read over this post in your blog - by the way i love you jujitsu blog, I never knew you had it!! Great work!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, that back to the issue about rolling with men, there are some I definitely avoid because I know they are too rough, too inexperienced (meaning that they go unnecessarily hard in really dangerous positions because they don't know any better) or too arrogant...At the promotion when I got my blue I had one big white belt guy tell me while we were shaking hands after class to remember that he made me tap during the rubber band drill. Being small I will avoid rolling with white belts (and some blue belts) who have a ton of weight on me unless I know them very well. If I am rolling with a new white belt I am very much on edge, taking every move they do into consideration and judging if they fit into my category of 'AVOID'. I try not to avoid them all together but it is hard when you know the risks and I will always prefer to roll with an upper belt.
I am not trying to avoid these people all my jiu jitsu career because we will have to face them sometime so I use them as a judge of how advanced I am in the sport. When I feel that I can control them (not only will I practice my mean cross face ;) )I feel that I have advanced. That is the premises of jiu jitsu anyway, the smaller controlling the larger threat but oh my god do I understand your fear. Right now it is more important to survive training (mentally and physically) so you can advance! And you will!
By the way, I would love to know who the jag was that did that to you, tell me in class later. Also, if you have any concerns any problems any anything and you need to talk please come to me! More than likely I will understand, I have had my fair share of break downs (I usually wait until I am in the car and sob my way home haha! sad by true) and feelings of inadequacy in all areas of this sport! We are in this together! See you tonight!
Katester,
ReplyDeleteIt was the most mortifying embarassing thing that has ever happened to me on the mat. Ever. I didn't tell Pat for days. I couldn't believe it happened. I think he actually went after girls to be sure he would get lots of rubber bands. Except, if I recall, he actually avoided you. If he turns out to be the same guy who told you to remember that he tapped you, I'm going to ask Tim to remind him who his Professor is. ;)
Update: The guy that was the subject of this post hasn't been at the academy since I came back from my vertigo leave of absence. Our school is attended by a lot of college guys, so he may well have graduated in May and been finishing out his contract through the summer. *shrugs* Part of me is glad he is gone and stays gone, and part of me wants to be a grown up and work through it. The part of me that wants him to stay gone is currently winning.
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