So THAT'S what that feels like!

Today the hubs and I woke up at 5:30 and drove 120 miles south to Miramar so that I could compete in the Grappling X Tournament of Champions Gi competition.

Even though I placed third in a field of three in a double elimination tournament, and was eliminated in the first round of the absolute, I am genuinely proud of that bronze medal.

I had my first competition January 19, 2011, after about 5 months of consistent training. I've done six competitions total, two of them IBJJF. I've been training since July 2010, though I had to take a a combined total of about 6 months off due to injury. When I first started competing, my coaches sat me down and told me I was starting really early, and though they were really supportive, they wanted me to make sure I knew that winning didn't mean I wasn't good. I didn't understand until today what they were talking about. I took each and every one of those early loses really hard.

My last competition was the IBJJF Las Vegas Open, which I did after cutting 15 pounds, not being able to train for 4 months because of vertigo, and having to work in 6 days a week of training into 16 hour days at the office. I placed third out of a field of three at that tournament and was ashamed of the medal. I was inconsolable after my last match. I had trained as hard as I possibly could and performed terribly and I didn't know why. I had ended up in the bottom in side control with the other girl just sitting there not moving, not doing anything. I sat on the edge of the mat sobbing for a good 10 minutes after the match, refusing to even talk to my coaches.

I hadn't been able to train a lot leading up to this competition, either, but I am damn proud of that bronze. This was the first tournament experience I have ever had where I knew exactly what was going on during every moment of every match, and where I wasn't just trying to defend myself and not be killed the entire time. I'm most proud of my first match because I was ahead until the final 20 seconds. I pulled guard, tried for my tripod sweep, it didn't work, and she had my legs up on her shoulders. Old Veronica would have gotten passed right there. Today, I kept my wits about me, kept pushing my hips down, and got closed guard the way I wanted it. We stayed in closed guard with me working cross chokes and different arm-across submissions, breaking down her posture, and trying for sweeps. I even opened my guard a few times to try for different attacks!! WOOT!! With 90 seconds left, we were still at zeros and so I had to try for a bigger move. I climbed my guard, worked on a triangle, and it didn't go well. Got passed, two points, and then she caught me in an Americana. TAP!! (I'm terrified of arm submissions. I tap to them very very fast.)

Here's the thing: Yes, I lost, but that match was MY game until the last 20 seconds. That has NEVER happened. I have also never had a match where I knew what I was doing every moment, and that "doing" was offensive and not defensive.

Will I compete again? Undecided. Coming into this competition I was feeling like it may be my last if I didn't win a match. I didn't win. But I felt SO good about how I performed, that I think I may try the next smaller competition that comes up and see how that goes. What I do know is that I really want my blue in 2012. Even if it is December 31, 2012.

Another Women's Only Open Mat!!

This Sunday my academy hosted the SoCal Women's BJJ Open Mat! Woot!! It was such a great time! Not as many ladies as the last one, but that's OK. As you can see, it was still pretty darned fun. I was able to get some girls to come that hadn't been to the last one, and a few that hadn't been out to Robot to train in quite awhile.

It is really hard for me to describe how different it is to roll with a big group of girls relatively my size and strength. Again, I found myself trying new things and getting sweeps and submissions and positions that I never get in class. I got arm bars!! Real ones! Arm bars that I know are there but that I never try for because I'm too afraid of being smashed on.

AAAaaannnnnd...wait for it...I actually opened my guard and it WORKED!!! I did the arm-across move from closed guard that I always chicken out on because it requires that I open my guard and it actually worked. I'll admit that I opened my guard a few other times and it didn't work, but I at least was TRYING it. This is a big deal for me. My closed guard cross choke game is still my thing, but I'm working on being more courageous.

Unfortunately, I haven't trained a lick since Sunday because I've contracted a cold that is trying to drown me from within. Boooooooooo.

93 Guard and a Free Back Adjustment

I made it to class last night. Victory!!!

Though I still don't feel stable enough to do the take-down portion of class, since the hubs is hobbled with an injured ankle I practiced my positions on him during that portion and got a good warm-up sweat on.

We are moving on to the 93 Guard, and I think I'm really going to like it. I have issues with the Butterfly Guard but 93 feels natural to me so far. Alex was there, and she is such a hilarious trip and fun to drill with that I was in giggles and fits the whole time.

When we moved onto sparring, Jane declared it girl-on-girl sparring night since we had four girls there (Jane, Bri, Alex, and me) and it was a lot of fun. I didn't attempt a scissor sweep (such a CHICKEN when it comes to opening my guard), but I did get submissions and started the arm-across series, though didn't finish it. I managed to pass Jane's crazy guard, but couldn't do any thing from mount and got bumped off and, of course, triangled. Damn. Bri gave me a free, unintentional back adjustment. I was in turtle and she was getting her hooks in to stretch me out, and did a very good job, and I heard my entire back from my hips to my shoulders crack. I may have also yelped, considering that she stopped and asked if she was being too rough. :) Bri is brand new to Robot and started out as a wrestler, and then came to BJJ in no-gi, and is just picking up gi BJJ. She moves SO well. I am so screwed when she figures out how to work submissions.

It was a really good night! I'm super excited to get back on the mat and start working sweeps and submissions from 93. I know Tuesdays are not a girl night at Robot, so I'll have to drill with boys, but I'm up for it.

Training Goals

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but my training has been...um, well, inconsistent. Tim and David are big fans of setting goals, even if they are really small. In an effort to keep myself motivated and focused, here are my training goals for this week:

(1) Get my butt to class at least 3 times.

Lately it seems that I cannot even get motivated to get to the gym, let alone train. So, baby steps.

(2) Spar at least 2 time per class.

I've said before that I have issues sparring with guys, and I tend to be a chicken. This is even worse recently. I totally chicken out. My hubs tells me the only way to improve is mat time mat time mat time. So, more sparring it is!!

(3) Spar with a blue belt/higher belt.

Another recommendation from the hubs to accommodate my issues rolling with guys and the feeling that I always just get smashed from the bottom anyway is that I roll with a higher belt. So, he suggested that try to roll with a higher belt to get to actually try technique and movement.

(4) Attempt a scissor sweep from closed guard.

I have a great closed guard submission game, but I freak out and chicken out about opening it up -- I am convinced I will get passed. Problem is that my school is so great at breaking guard, that my closed guard game goes nowhere during training there. So, I need to work my scissor sweep from closed guard. So terrified. Beyond words.

(5) Under no circumstances, for whatever reason, eat gluten, legumes, flour, or sugar that is not from a piece of fresh fruit.

In addition to being completely inconsistent in my training, I have gained 15 pounds due to poor eating. Since I'm only 5'2" and was already about 15 heavier than I should have been to begin with, this is not good. I'll cop to vanity as one of the reasons I want to lose weight, but also if I want to complete, it just doesn't make sense to be more than 130. I've competed at 160 before, and those girls are 6 inches taller!! It's ridiculous. Also, my vertigo is apparently triggered in part by gluten and legumes (and caffeine and chocolate and red wine and cheese...) and so it really is a good thing to cut those things out. All in all, I just need to try and eat a cleaner, less processed diet with healthier fats and see what happens. My weight is fine for my competition December 18, and I honestly do not know if I will compete again after that. If I do decide to compete again, I'd like to be in a weight class with women closer to my height and that means my weight needs to be closer to 130. So long, pasta...

Taking a Thanksgiving Heartbreak

Today was the Friendship Tournament at Robot. Watching the little kids compete made me so happy and excited to get back on the mat and end the cloud I've been in lately. Especially watching the little girls. There was a group of four of them, no more than 8 years old, that showed up together and were cheering each other on and pounding the mat and yelling instructions to each other and being so supportive that it was getting me emotional. Probably because lately the gym has been a pretty emotional place for me.

November 21, 2011 was the most heartbreaking night of my BJJ life at Robot. It was the last training night of my BJJ bestie, mighty mouse herself, the one and only, incomparable and unsinkable, Katester. It was one of the toughest good-byes I have ever had to give anyone in my entire life, and I don't know if I am actually over it yet. I know there is know crying in BJJ, and I tried to keep it together, but I cried almost non-stop for about 72 hours. It became almost comical the way I kept falling apart.

The thing with this sport is that you have to really trust the people you train with, and there are so few women that train that you cannot help but get close to the ones that train regularly. I didn't realize how much I relied on her and loved her until she wasn't going to be there anymore. Kate is special because she is not only extremely talented and dedicated, she is even smaller than I am and calls out guys bigger than my husband to spar and drill with her, without fear. And she may not beat them, but they don't necessarily beat her. She was with me at my first tournament when I was so terrified that I didn't think I could get on the mat, and next to me during my toughest training sessions when I was sure I didn't have any will or heart or push left in me. I'm so happy for her and the new opportunities she is taking advantage of, and I know she is going to do so great. The new girls she will be training have no idea how lucky they are.

I've only trained once since Kate's last day, and it wasn't easy. It hurt my heart to put the gi back on and go in knowing she wasn't going to be there, and then on top of it I was the only girl there that night. I was out of town for a week Thanksgiving and let myself rest up and tried to stop being so emotional about everything. Robot has some great girls training and some new ones who need support and guidance, and though they will never replace Kate, they deserve a consistent and present training partner. I only hope I can be half the training partner to them that she was to me.

And so, I've got get back out there and train even if she isn't there. My vertigo seems to be under control. I finally don't feel jet-lagged constantly and my work situation seems to be leveling out to where getting to class every night shouldn't be an issue (knock on wood).

2011, especially this last part, has been a year of fits and starts and setbacks and do-overs. I really hope 2012 has fewer potholes.