Taking a Thanksgiving Heartbreak

Today was the Friendship Tournament at Robot. Watching the little kids compete made me so happy and excited to get back on the mat and end the cloud I've been in lately. Especially watching the little girls. There was a group of four of them, no more than 8 years old, that showed up together and were cheering each other on and pounding the mat and yelling instructions to each other and being so supportive that it was getting me emotional. Probably because lately the gym has been a pretty emotional place for me.

November 21, 2011 was the most heartbreaking night of my BJJ life at Robot. It was the last training night of my BJJ bestie, mighty mouse herself, the one and only, incomparable and unsinkable, Katester. It was one of the toughest good-byes I have ever had to give anyone in my entire life, and I don't know if I am actually over it yet. I know there is know crying in BJJ, and I tried to keep it together, but I cried almost non-stop for about 72 hours. It became almost comical the way I kept falling apart.

The thing with this sport is that you have to really trust the people you train with, and there are so few women that train that you cannot help but get close to the ones that train regularly. I didn't realize how much I relied on her and loved her until she wasn't going to be there anymore. Kate is special because she is not only extremely talented and dedicated, she is even smaller than I am and calls out guys bigger than my husband to spar and drill with her, without fear. And she may not beat them, but they don't necessarily beat her. She was with me at my first tournament when I was so terrified that I didn't think I could get on the mat, and next to me during my toughest training sessions when I was sure I didn't have any will or heart or push left in me. I'm so happy for her and the new opportunities she is taking advantage of, and I know she is going to do so great. The new girls she will be training have no idea how lucky they are.

I've only trained once since Kate's last day, and it wasn't easy. It hurt my heart to put the gi back on and go in knowing she wasn't going to be there, and then on top of it I was the only girl there that night. I was out of town for a week Thanksgiving and let myself rest up and tried to stop being so emotional about everything. Robot has some great girls training and some new ones who need support and guidance, and though they will never replace Kate, they deserve a consistent and present training partner. I only hope I can be half the training partner to them that she was to me.

And so, I've got get back out there and train even if she isn't there. My vertigo seems to be under control. I finally don't feel jet-lagged constantly and my work situation seems to be leveling out to where getting to class every night shouldn't be an issue (knock on wood).

2011, especially this last part, has been a year of fits and starts and setbacks and do-overs. I really hope 2012 has fewer potholes.