So THAT'S what that feels like!

Today the hubs and I woke up at 5:30 and drove 120 miles south to Miramar so that I could compete in the Grappling X Tournament of Champions Gi competition.

Even though I placed third in a field of three in a double elimination tournament, and was eliminated in the first round of the absolute, I am genuinely proud of that bronze medal.

I had my first competition January 19, 2011, after about 5 months of consistent training. I've done six competitions total, two of them IBJJF. I've been training since July 2010, though I had to take a a combined total of about 6 months off due to injury. When I first started competing, my coaches sat me down and told me I was starting really early, and though they were really supportive, they wanted me to make sure I knew that winning didn't mean I wasn't good. I didn't understand until today what they were talking about. I took each and every one of those early loses really hard.

My last competition was the IBJJF Las Vegas Open, which I did after cutting 15 pounds, not being able to train for 4 months because of vertigo, and having to work in 6 days a week of training into 16 hour days at the office. I placed third out of a field of three at that tournament and was ashamed of the medal. I was inconsolable after my last match. I had trained as hard as I possibly could and performed terribly and I didn't know why. I had ended up in the bottom in side control with the other girl just sitting there not moving, not doing anything. I sat on the edge of the mat sobbing for a good 10 minutes after the match, refusing to even talk to my coaches.

I hadn't been able to train a lot leading up to this competition, either, but I am damn proud of that bronze. This was the first tournament experience I have ever had where I knew exactly what was going on during every moment of every match, and where I wasn't just trying to defend myself and not be killed the entire time. I'm most proud of my first match because I was ahead until the final 20 seconds. I pulled guard, tried for my tripod sweep, it didn't work, and she had my legs up on her shoulders. Old Veronica would have gotten passed right there. Today, I kept my wits about me, kept pushing my hips down, and got closed guard the way I wanted it. We stayed in closed guard with me working cross chokes and different arm-across submissions, breaking down her posture, and trying for sweeps. I even opened my guard a few times to try for different attacks!! WOOT!! With 90 seconds left, we were still at zeros and so I had to try for a bigger move. I climbed my guard, worked on a triangle, and it didn't go well. Got passed, two points, and then she caught me in an Americana. TAP!! (I'm terrified of arm submissions. I tap to them very very fast.)

Here's the thing: Yes, I lost, but that match was MY game until the last 20 seconds. That has NEVER happened. I have also never had a match where I knew what I was doing every moment, and that "doing" was offensive and not defensive.

Will I compete again? Undecided. Coming into this competition I was feeling like it may be my last if I didn't win a match. I didn't win. But I felt SO good about how I performed, that I think I may try the next smaller competition that comes up and see how that goes. What I do know is that I really want my blue in 2012. Even if it is December 31, 2012.

Another Women's Only Open Mat!!

This Sunday my academy hosted the SoCal Women's BJJ Open Mat! Woot!! It was such a great time! Not as many ladies as the last one, but that's OK. As you can see, it was still pretty darned fun. I was able to get some girls to come that hadn't been to the last one, and a few that hadn't been out to Robot to train in quite awhile.

It is really hard for me to describe how different it is to roll with a big group of girls relatively my size and strength. Again, I found myself trying new things and getting sweeps and submissions and positions that I never get in class. I got arm bars!! Real ones! Arm bars that I know are there but that I never try for because I'm too afraid of being smashed on.

AAAaaannnnnd...wait for it...I actually opened my guard and it WORKED!!! I did the arm-across move from closed guard that I always chicken out on because it requires that I open my guard and it actually worked. I'll admit that I opened my guard a few other times and it didn't work, but I at least was TRYING it. This is a big deal for me. My closed guard cross choke game is still my thing, but I'm working on being more courageous.

Unfortunately, I haven't trained a lick since Sunday because I've contracted a cold that is trying to drown me from within. Boooooooooo.

93 Guard and a Free Back Adjustment

I made it to class last night. Victory!!!

Though I still don't feel stable enough to do the take-down portion of class, since the hubs is hobbled with an injured ankle I practiced my positions on him during that portion and got a good warm-up sweat on.

We are moving on to the 93 Guard, and I think I'm really going to like it. I have issues with the Butterfly Guard but 93 feels natural to me so far. Alex was there, and she is such a hilarious trip and fun to drill with that I was in giggles and fits the whole time.

When we moved onto sparring, Jane declared it girl-on-girl sparring night since we had four girls there (Jane, Bri, Alex, and me) and it was a lot of fun. I didn't attempt a scissor sweep (such a CHICKEN when it comes to opening my guard), but I did get submissions and started the arm-across series, though didn't finish it. I managed to pass Jane's crazy guard, but couldn't do any thing from mount and got bumped off and, of course, triangled. Damn. Bri gave me a free, unintentional back adjustment. I was in turtle and she was getting her hooks in to stretch me out, and did a very good job, and I heard my entire back from my hips to my shoulders crack. I may have also yelped, considering that she stopped and asked if she was being too rough. :) Bri is brand new to Robot and started out as a wrestler, and then came to BJJ in no-gi, and is just picking up gi BJJ. She moves SO well. I am so screwed when she figures out how to work submissions.

It was a really good night! I'm super excited to get back on the mat and start working sweeps and submissions from 93. I know Tuesdays are not a girl night at Robot, so I'll have to drill with boys, but I'm up for it.

Training Goals

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but my training has been...um, well, inconsistent. Tim and David are big fans of setting goals, even if they are really small. In an effort to keep myself motivated and focused, here are my training goals for this week:

(1) Get my butt to class at least 3 times.

Lately it seems that I cannot even get motivated to get to the gym, let alone train. So, baby steps.

(2) Spar at least 2 time per class.

I've said before that I have issues sparring with guys, and I tend to be a chicken. This is even worse recently. I totally chicken out. My hubs tells me the only way to improve is mat time mat time mat time. So, more sparring it is!!

(3) Spar with a blue belt/higher belt.

Another recommendation from the hubs to accommodate my issues rolling with guys and the feeling that I always just get smashed from the bottom anyway is that I roll with a higher belt. So, he suggested that try to roll with a higher belt to get to actually try technique and movement.

(4) Attempt a scissor sweep from closed guard.

I have a great closed guard submission game, but I freak out and chicken out about opening it up -- I am convinced I will get passed. Problem is that my school is so great at breaking guard, that my closed guard game goes nowhere during training there. So, I need to work my scissor sweep from closed guard. So terrified. Beyond words.

(5) Under no circumstances, for whatever reason, eat gluten, legumes, flour, or sugar that is not from a piece of fresh fruit.

In addition to being completely inconsistent in my training, I have gained 15 pounds due to poor eating. Since I'm only 5'2" and was already about 15 heavier than I should have been to begin with, this is not good. I'll cop to vanity as one of the reasons I want to lose weight, but also if I want to complete, it just doesn't make sense to be more than 130. I've competed at 160 before, and those girls are 6 inches taller!! It's ridiculous. Also, my vertigo is apparently triggered in part by gluten and legumes (and caffeine and chocolate and red wine and cheese...) and so it really is a good thing to cut those things out. All in all, I just need to try and eat a cleaner, less processed diet with healthier fats and see what happens. My weight is fine for my competition December 18, and I honestly do not know if I will compete again after that. If I do decide to compete again, I'd like to be in a weight class with women closer to my height and that means my weight needs to be closer to 130. So long, pasta...

Taking a Thanksgiving Heartbreak

Today was the Friendship Tournament at Robot. Watching the little kids compete made me so happy and excited to get back on the mat and end the cloud I've been in lately. Especially watching the little girls. There was a group of four of them, no more than 8 years old, that showed up together and were cheering each other on and pounding the mat and yelling instructions to each other and being so supportive that it was getting me emotional. Probably because lately the gym has been a pretty emotional place for me.

November 21, 2011 was the most heartbreaking night of my BJJ life at Robot. It was the last training night of my BJJ bestie, mighty mouse herself, the one and only, incomparable and unsinkable, Katester. It was one of the toughest good-byes I have ever had to give anyone in my entire life, and I don't know if I am actually over it yet. I know there is know crying in BJJ, and I tried to keep it together, but I cried almost non-stop for about 72 hours. It became almost comical the way I kept falling apart.

The thing with this sport is that you have to really trust the people you train with, and there are so few women that train that you cannot help but get close to the ones that train regularly. I didn't realize how much I relied on her and loved her until she wasn't going to be there anymore. Kate is special because she is not only extremely talented and dedicated, she is even smaller than I am and calls out guys bigger than my husband to spar and drill with her, without fear. And she may not beat them, but they don't necessarily beat her. She was with me at my first tournament when I was so terrified that I didn't think I could get on the mat, and next to me during my toughest training sessions when I was sure I didn't have any will or heart or push left in me. I'm so happy for her and the new opportunities she is taking advantage of, and I know she is going to do so great. The new girls she will be training have no idea how lucky they are.

I've only trained once since Kate's last day, and it wasn't easy. It hurt my heart to put the gi back on and go in knowing she wasn't going to be there, and then on top of it I was the only girl there that night. I was out of town for a week Thanksgiving and let myself rest up and tried to stop being so emotional about everything. Robot has some great girls training and some new ones who need support and guidance, and though they will never replace Kate, they deserve a consistent and present training partner. I only hope I can be half the training partner to them that she was to me.

And so, I've got get back out there and train even if she isn't there. My vertigo seems to be under control. I finally don't feel jet-lagged constantly and my work situation seems to be leveling out to where getting to class every night shouldn't be an issue (knock on wood).

2011, especially this last part, has been a year of fits and starts and setbacks and do-overs. I really hope 2012 has fewer potholes.

Another Womens' Open Mat!

Ok, so it was a sort of impromptu open mat, but still!

After the amazing turn out last weekend, one of the women from Let's Roll BJJ in Torrance contacted me on Facebook and asked if I would be at Robot's open mat today with any of our women. Are you kidding?!?! Tell me women are coming to an open mat and I will start wrangling up as many women as I can find! Sunday also happens to be the slower open mat at Robot, so we had the place mostly to ourselves. All total we had Kate, Jane, Erica, Sus, Alexis, Bri, and me today. Not too bad for only three days' notice!

I didn't do as well today as I would have liked, but I did spar for about 90 minutes with only a few breaks. That's more than I have done in a really long time, and so that's the victory I am focusing on today. I also worked my guard pull tripod sweep in early on in the day with Pat, and realize that I need to work it work it work it as I am coming up on the December tournaments. If I cannot get the stand-up down, I lose. Giva and Tim and Dave are right -- the first 30 seconds of a match are everything. You win and lose it right there. I have a solid guard pull that gets stronger and stronger the more I practice it, but for some reason when I get on the mat during a competition it falls to PIECES. I also have a pretty solid closed guard, but I chicken out with anything other than a hip bump sweep from it (i.e., anything that requires me to open my guard) because I am terrified of getting smash passed.

So, things to work on before my December tournaments:

(1) Don't be such a chicken with the closed guard sweeps.

(2) Practice starting from standing and pulling guard over and over and over and over.

(3) Keep my hips down during guard passing (Tim and I talked about this today; my hips are always too high. Always. It makes it almost impossible for me to get around and complete a pass).

I'll take it as a compliment!

I took Monday off from rolling because, to put it mildly, my entire body hurt. If I had to give one body part priority, it was my neck that was screaming the loudest. Turns out that 8 straight days of sparring after nearly two months off takes a toll, and so I sat it out.

Tuesday was great, we are working stand-up and take-downs in every class now, so I still have to sit out the first 15 minutes, but I get to do most of the stuff after. We are on the back-take and chokes from the back, which is stuff I really like. On Tuesday I was more confident and more aggressive and got more taps and more sweeps -- on boys no less! This has never happened before. Jackson was very gracious about being tapped by a girl and was even asking me how I managed to do it, and stunned that I had baited him into thinking he was getting a sweep that was actually a submission. In his defense, he is actually really new and didn't understand that reversing mount is actually not a sweep because it is going from an inferior position to another arguably inferior position. I was in mount, trying to get the cross collar, and let him reverse mount into my closed guard so I could finish the choke. Sneaky, eh? It only works on newbs, but I take what I can get.

Yesterday I was pretty woozy, but when to class anyway. We were working the rolling back take, rear naked choke, bow and arrow, and the clock choke. Kate was working with the new girl, and so I paired up with a guy named Mike for drilling. No big deal, he was a white belt about my size (in weight), but I don't really know him. He seemed nice enough, but was sort of being teacher-y about the moves as if he knew more than me. That's OK, I've been gone awhile and I get that. He doesn't know I've been training for over a year.

Once we got to sparring, Kate paired up with the new girl again, and it just so happened Mike was open and Tim matched us up. At first I think Mike was going easy on me, the way some guys do with a girl in general; not wanting to muscle, using technique, trying not to smash -- which I actually appreciate. I, on the other hand, do not hold back. I'm training for a tournament, and our academy in general spars at competition speed unless someone asks to go light. As we kept going he started to get more and more frustrated that he was not able to tap me and was going harder and harder and harder and just kept escaping and moving and pushing and getting out. I do not exaggerate when I say I think I got out of about 15 submission attempts by him, including 5 armbars and 3 triangles. I had actually gotten mount at one point, which he reversed (I really need to work on not getting bumped off), and when the timer rang I had just popped my knee up into knee-on-belly from side control after having stack passed his triangle submission attempt.

I shook hands, smiled, thanked him, and said "nice work" at which point he slapped the mat and said "for who? you?" and got up and stormed off. I sat there totally confused. Did I do something wrong? What just happened? Then I realized I may have actually frustrated him because he didn't beat me! I was just trying to survive and do my technique the best I could in preparation for the tournament I have coming up, and try to be aggressive instead of defensive -- maybe it worked!!! Maybe I am finally getting the hang of this after 18 months!!

At first I was a little irked that he wasn't as gracious as Jackson had been the night before when he asked me questions about how I had submitted him or gotten past certain things. Then I decided that I would take his attitude as a compliment. I frustrated an opponent!! Usually they try to make me feel better for being so easy to beat. This time I felt like I needed to make him feel better for not being so easy to beat. Looks like maybe tides are changing...

All Women Open Mat. Otherwise known as my very own BJJ heaven.

Today I finished up my first full week back on the mat with an all women's open mat in Torrance at Let's Roll BJJ. It's organized by the Facebook group, SoCal Women BJJ, organized by the M3 academy in Montrose, CA and has been gaining momentum for months. It was so great to have so many women on the mat at once for something other than a tournament! There were at least three black belts, a brown belt, several blue belts, and a whole mess of white belts to roll with. The photo to the right isn't even a full picture of all of us; I think that about 5 girls had left by the time it was taken.

I've come up with three great things about the whole experience:

First, I didn't have to think twice about who to roll with. If someone asked, I automatically said yes. Or, if I saw someone sitting out, I just asked them if they were down to roll. I wasn't sizing anyone up, because everyone was about the same size. That never happens to me! I'm so terrified of being smashed on by big guys that I get all lock-jawed when it comes to rolling with them. No fear today!

Second, the whole vibe was really laid back and supportive. Everyone was really into learning from each other and even though, of course, someone is going to win at some point and get a submission (or declare the roll over due to exhaustion) the entire event was more about learning and growing together and trying things out than smashing on each other.

Third, I actually got some sweeps, mounts and taps! I did! Me! I still have some blank spots and there were a few times that I knew I had something and could not for the life of me remember how to finish it, but that's OK. I have never ever in my entire BJJ experience tried for a sweep and gotten it. Ever. Until today. Really. And it was from HALF GUARD, which for me may as well be called "it-is-only-a-matter-of-time-until-this-is-over-guard."

Even though I know I have a long way to go, I'm really happy with how I did today. More than that, I am so happy to be back and feeling healthy. I didn't feel a single moment of vertigo today, and only about two or three moments yesterday that weren't to intense. I'm feeling so good that I'm not even regretting registering for the Grappling X tournament, and if I'm not careful I may start to feel like I have a shot at a medal.

No gi? No problem...not so much.

Training this week has been going really well. I've been feeling better and stronger every day. I took yesterday and today off work, and spent most of today sleeping -- totally necessary.

I usually skip Thursday nights at the academy or do Thai boxing instead of BJJ because it is no gi night. I have two basic objections to no gi. First, there is nothing to grab and that makes no sense to me. Second, it supremely grosses me out to have to grab onto someone else's sweaty limb. However, given that I seem to have temporarily lost my sanity and registered for a tournament that is just over a month away, I decided I need all the training I can get. On top of it, the worst part of my game is my stand up -- I often feel like I lose my matches in the first 30 seconds because the stand up game goes so terribly wrong. I need to get past that in order to be competitive at all. I've known it for a long time and have decided to deal with it head on.

It wasn't so bad. I managed take downs during drilling, and starting from standing for sparring for the first time since the vertigo took over my life...so not so bad. The whole thing still just makes no sense to me. It's so weird. My closed guard game has no impact because most if it is chokes with grips and so...what exactly do I do from closed guard now? Ugh. I'll figure it out eventually. Train train train. A black belt is just a white belt who never gave up, right?

Reunited and it feels so goooOOOooood!!

It has been way to long since my last post. Quick recap:

(1) I had an MRI on October 27 and a whole bunch more blood work to try and diagnose the vertigo; all tests came back negative.

(2) I got all frustrated that I was still so wobbly that I could not roll, so I dyed my old grungy Fuij gi dark purple!! It looks amazing. I intend to do an entire post on how I did it, with photos. I highly recommend dying your white gi if it gets that yucky overly used gross look.

(3) No Gi Worlds!!! My professor got ROBBED of gold in his black belt final, and my teammate took home silver his blue belt final. WOOT!!

(4) The vertigo seems to be reacting to medication, I'm cutting out all sorts of migraine/vertigo inducing foods and doing everything the doctors tell me, including taking most of this week off from work and 5 days off for Thanksgiving.

Each of those things probably deserves more attention, but the most important part was that tonight I actually sparred more than one roll!! WOOT! And I got a tap!! I did!! Cross choke from mount!! I almost got an arm bar, but the time ran out. Shoot!

It felt AMAZING to be back. Tim is still on takedowns, which I'm still not cleared to do. I can only imagine the mayhem my lack of balance would cause the poor person forced to drill with me. The humanity!

Monday, monday.

I really wish they would do a scientific study and give me an answer about WHAT the deal is with Mondays. This was one of the worst ones in a while.

Vertigo literally knocked me on my butt in class tonight! Luckily everyone was moving around trying to find a drilling partner and so no one really noticed. Whew.

I decided not to risk it, and just watched the rest of class. Pretty sweet De la Riva sweeps going on: sink in both hooks, pinch your knees together, and throw your opponent off balance so you can sit up, grab their collar, and then lift them up of the ground with your legs. Kate let me try it on her a few times, and man do I wish I were feeling well enough to drill it full speed!

Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully one that has the world feeling a little more stable on its' axl.

2011 Pro Gear Open

Today was the 2011 Jiu Jitsu Pro Gear Open in San Clemente. It was almost torture not to compete, but I went and cheered on the Robots. Our girl Jane got a silver medal with a beautiful triangle and Kate did some of the best grappling in her first tournament at blue belt that I have ever seen from her. Great job, ladies!

And, Leticia Ribeiro was reffing. As a shorty pants myself, I am a HUGE fan. My hubs kept his wits about him and got a picture of Leticia and the Lady Robots.

Hm. Remember how I said I should fight at 125? Make that 115. Yeesh.

Today I remembered how much I have forgotten.

Trained two days in a row!! Woot!! I would love to say I feel great, but what I really feel is like someone went to town on my thighs with a baseball bat. That is probably because on Friday we were drilling the leg drag to knee across pass, and Tim insisted that we hit at least 100 reps and somehow Ruby and I miscounted and did 120. Oops. We finished Friday's drills with De la Riva inversions, but I just let Ruby practice on me -- my inversions are difficult on a good day, let alone when I am still getting my land legs back.* It felt really good to be back on the mat, and as much as I wanted to spar, I made myself sit it out and watch.

Today, however, I trained one-on-one with the sexy blue belt you see to your right, who also happens to be my husband. Until now, I haven't even let him drill with me, because of our size difference: He's 6'2" fights at 190 and I'm 5'2" and fight at 145 (and should fight at 125). However, after the events described in the "Fear of Men" post, I realized I needed to address my issues drilling with guys in general and having larger training partners. I also found myself without any women to train with this weekend, despite being healthy for the first time in a long time. It dawned on me that I actually live with and love one of the biggest and scariest guys at our academy, who is also a pretty good teacher. I asked if he would show me his moves, and of course, he obliged.

We spent about an hour and a half at the academy during open mat, working on my open guard pass. Because I have none. Every time I try to pass, I get swept. I don't even know how it happens. Pat showed me how to step one foot right into a seated opponent's guard, underhook or grab behind the collar, push them back with my knee, and then knee across pass to the non-hook side. It was so simple once I did it over and over again, but I had never been able to figure it out on my own. Then we worked on me getting to closed guard when I start a spar, because Ruby just kills me from here. I can't get anything. It feels like I end up mounted the moment I touch her. I feel OK about getting to closed guard from starting now, but still a little shaky. Harder was the push/pull sweep from closed guard, because apparently my brain just does not know how to push AND pull at the same time.

After we drilled for about an hour or so, little Andre wanted to lightly roll because he is competing tomorrow at the Pro Gear Open. That is where I remembered how much I have forgotten. It was ridiculous. He bounced me around like a rag doll. I didn't get hurt (though I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel it tomorrow), but my only job was to pass guard and I could not do a damned thing! Not one. He just picked me up and flipped me around and...

Better luck next time. Right?

*The vertigo seems to be properly diagnosed and getting better every day. I still feel it, and the doctors say it could take up to two weeks for it to completely go away, but I feel better than I have in months. YAY!!

Wish me luck!

I feel better than I have felt in MONTHS! Really and truly. There are honestly no words to describe it. I'm so nervous for class tonight, it is like my first class all over again.

Freight Train Ruby

It is the day after my first night back, and I hurt like my very first day. Why do my abs hurt SO badly? I only sparred with one person, Ruby, and she killed me about seven times. My left arm will never be the same. I decided to miss the Terra seminar and rest. I'm not good at taking it slow, but I'm trying.

I am really excited to get back to class Monday, and even more excited that I know it will happen.

I did it!

I did it!! I made it back on the mat!

No, the world did not stop spinning. I'm still living on a boat, but it turns out as long as I stay seated, the vertigo is manageable. Wahoo!!! I got my ass handed to me, but I was out there!!

Caio Terra seminario tomorrow!

Me

This is me playing my closed guard game earlier this year. In case you were wondering what I look like.

Fear of Men

I am appalled with myself that I haven't written in almost a month. Here are my lame excuses:

(1) The big case I'm working on went crazy, people lost their minds, and I was left to clean up the mess. 300 hours a month. Three months in a row. Exhausted is a nice word for what I am. Thus, today I am working from home in my sweats.

(2) The damned vertigo has reared it's ugly head in a way that has finally forced me to see the doctor and figure out why it will not stop.

However, I really a determined to make it better. To start making my life as important as my career. I made it to class last night to observe, and I was itching to get back out there. I really do train with the best people--though I have a confession to make: I'm terrified to train with guys again.

When I first started training, I was the only girl every night and so I didn't even have the option to train with women. I worked really hard to encourage women to train, and eventually we had so many women training we had to add a women's class that usually had at least four women attend. Some days we had so many women in regular class that we did our own thing during drilling and sparring. I also started going to girls' class at a gym about 50 miles away every Saturday to train with different women. In short, I apparently became a big chicken about rolling with guys. I tried to suck it up, and then at belt promotion in August, my worst fears came true.

At our academy we play a game on promotion day called the Rubber Band Game. We each get three rubber bands for our wrists and we spar for about an hour, non-stop. If you lose, you give your opponent your rubber band. The point is to have as many as possible at the end. It is actually really fun, because you are only allowed to spar with your belt level and it is a chance for the people getting promoted to roll with at their belt for the last time. It was my first belt promotion day, and I was really excited. Unfortunately, one of the guys at the academy -- another white belt -- was so into winning the game and took it too personally and too far. After my husband, who was promoted to blue later that day (YAY!!) beat him in about 30 seconds (as per usual) he noticed I didn't have a partner yet and asked me to roll. As I sat down and we slapped hands, he told me that my husband had just beaten him and he was going to need to make sure to get a rubber band back. He then went really really hard at me, and knocked the wind out of me and took my arm. I tapped fast, because it wasn't worth it. As he was taking my rubber band he told me to tell my husband they were even.

I was in shock. I couldn't believe it had actually happened. I bragged about my academy being a place where women aren't treated any differently and I feel safe. I didn't feel safe and I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. I told my husband eventually, and my professors, and they took care of it, but it has me really rattled. I'm actually really scared to roll with any guy that is even remotely bigger than me now. The vertigo and my job has been a great excuse to stay off the mat, but it has made the fear of rolling with guys even worse.

On top of it, I don't really have any women to talk about it with anymore. And I'm so embarrassed about being scared to roll with guys that I don't want to admit it to the two women I train most with because they are such tough women who never back down from drilling or rolling with men.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to get over it, I'd love to hear them.

Frustration

Lately I feel thwarted at every turn with BJJ. This week I can't even seem to get on the mat.

I'm a trial attorney, and so "unpredictable" is a nice word for what my work schedule is like. This means that despite the best of intentions, I can find out five minutes before I leave the office that I'm pulling an all-nighter. Lately, what I've been doing to compensate for billing 300 hours a month is getting to the office as soon as possible, and then making myself hit the gym at 7 for class. Turns out, even though really all I do physically is sit at a desk for 12 hours, I'm still completely drained from my day.

On Wednesday, I was so excited to make it to Robot in time for class, despite having billed 14 hours. Halfway through the warm up, the room started tilting and I couldn't make it stop. My inner ear disorder that causes vertigo for a variety of reasons (stress, lack of sleep, excessive salt, MSG, allergies...) and it was back with a vengeance. It was all I could do to not throw up all over the mat, and sit calmly until it passed enough that I could drive home.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I haven't trained in months. Nationals are coming up, and it kills me to miss them because competitions are such a huge help for me to figure out where the weaknesses in my game are. But I know if I register, I'll just get smashed to pieces and beat myself up over it.

Life is all about balance, and I just can't seem to find mine anywhere lately.

Hitting the Reset Button

Tomorrow the new training schedule starts at Robot, which I think is a fantastic time to start this blog and document my attempt to reset my training. Also, my husband got me a new laptop and I'm addicted to it and need to find new and exciting ways to use it.

This summer was not great for my BJJ training. I started a new job April and while it was the BEST possible career move for me for many many reasons, it threw a serious wrench into training. I got an ear infection that caused severe vertigo and put me out for 6 weeks. In June work really picked up, and by July I was billing 250 a month and August was even worse. Despite my inability to train like I wanted to, I insisted on competing and was crushed by how poorly I did. I promptly lost my bronze medal that night in Vegas (don't worry, I didn't win it, I got it by getting my ass kicked twice and placing 3rd out of 3). I had refused to believe that my career was impacting BJJ as much as it was, and I was devastated. Trying to have it all is exhausting, and I don't even have kids.

September will be different. The gym has new 7 am training classes 5 days a week, which means I can get cardio and strength in every day as long as I can get my ass out of bed. I am also going to make myself get to BJJ class 3x a week, without fail. Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday for those of you that are nosy. I'll work afterward if I have to, but I have got to start taking time for myself and the sport I love or I will start to resent the wonderful career I have worked so hard for. Nationals is off the table (I want to avoid another Vegas), but December 11 I am competing in the Grappling X Tournament of Champions and I'm going to give it everything I have. I will not freak out and shut down -- as tempting as that is.