Frustration

Lately I feel thwarted at every turn with BJJ. This week I can't even seem to get on the mat.

I'm a trial attorney, and so "unpredictable" is a nice word for what my work schedule is like. This means that despite the best of intentions, I can find out five minutes before I leave the office that I'm pulling an all-nighter. Lately, what I've been doing to compensate for billing 300 hours a month is getting to the office as soon as possible, and then making myself hit the gym at 7 for class. Turns out, even though really all I do physically is sit at a desk for 12 hours, I'm still completely drained from my day.

On Wednesday, I was so excited to make it to Robot in time for class, despite having billed 14 hours. Halfway through the warm up, the room started tilting and I couldn't make it stop. My inner ear disorder that causes vertigo for a variety of reasons (stress, lack of sleep, excessive salt, MSG, allergies...) and it was back with a vengeance. It was all I could do to not throw up all over the mat, and sit calmly until it passed enough that I could drive home.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I haven't trained in months. Nationals are coming up, and it kills me to miss them because competitions are such a huge help for me to figure out where the weaknesses in my game are. But I know if I register, I'll just get smashed to pieces and beat myself up over it.

Life is all about balance, and I just can't seem to find mine anywhere lately.