Takedown Hell

The last couple weeks in the evening class, we have been doing takedowns and wrestling. 

I.  Hate.  It. 

I really do.  Really and truly and honestly with every fiber of my being.  It scares me.  Terrifies me.  I actually start to get a little shaky before class because I'm so scared. 

Have I ever been hurt during a takedown?  No. 

Have I seen people get hurt?  No. 

I used to do gymnastics as a kid.  I was pretty good.  The one event I could not do was the vault.  Terrified me.  Who, in their right mind, runs straight at a large, inanimate object, at full speed?  Who does that???

I have the same feeeling with takedowns and wrestling.  Who, in their right mind, lets someone come at them and take them to the ground?!?!? It's just so unnatural!! My biggest problem is that I am utterly terrified of two things:  (1) Getting hurt and (2) hurting someone else.  Yes, I realize it is a combat sport.  Yes, I realize that for all intents and purposes you need to hurt someone **a little** in order to be successful.  But I can't get past how unnatural it seems to throw someone down on the mat and be alright with someone tossing me down onto the mat. 

That said, I have been going to class.  I have been getting out there and doing the single leg, the double leg, the arm drag, and the fireman's carry.  I've done them all in drilling, and I have attempted them all in sparring.  I have had them done on me in sparring and I have not died.  I will go back again tonight and do it all over. 

I will not quit.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Lots has been going on in my life, both in and out of the gym, that has caused me to sit back and reflect on what I really want for my life.

When I am in the gym, I am happy.  There is nothing better than sitting on the mat at the end of a class dripping in sweat.  Even if I got ground to a pulp during every roll, I still feel a sense of accomplishment.  I've been working the scissor sweep and focusing on open guard, and feel like I'm finally getting things together.  For the next few weeks we are working wrestling and stand up and I am forcing myself to have no fear and just do it.  It's terrifying, but I'm going to get it done.

When I am at home with my husband, I am happy.  It isn't the house, though it is wonderful, it is just being there with him.  He's been through everything with me and he still believes in me.  Knowing how much he loves me makes me feel happy and safe.

Happy is not a word you could use to describe me at work.  And so, after a lot of thought and tears, I'm done.  I can't live my life miserable for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.  So, I'm spending a lot of time figuring out what I am passionate about and how to turn that into something that I would love to do every day for the rest of my life.  Wish me luck!

Felled by the Flu

I was doing so well!! So well!! I had been doing daily doubles (7 am class and the 6:30 pm class) three times a week, and really progressing.  I even gave a big guy such a run for his money defending his guard pass that I got walloped on the head during his smash pass and was out with a jacked up neck for a few days.  During the jacked up neck healing phase, I came down with the flu and am just now feeling better.  I missed Women's Open Mat because of it.  LAME!!

Here's the great part:  I feel like I've finally passed whatever BJJ block I was going through.  During the last class I was able to go to on Friday morning, right before the head wallop, I realized how interchangeable the butterfly hook sweep and scissor sweep are.  I was getting my grips for the hook sweep on a monster of a guy -- he's just under 6 feet and about 240 pounds -- and realized that a better option than flipping him with my leg was to push isolate his left arm, push back his left knee, and knock him over that way.  I didn't do it (remember?  Wallop.  Smash.) because I wasn't thinking quickly enough, but I did see it.

I'm really excited that I'm feeling better the last few hours.  I feel like tomorrow is another two a day, coming my way.  And maybe I'll nail that scissor sweep.

Two a Day

I made it to Robot TWICE today to train!! That's right!! I feel great.

I've spent a lot of the last month trying to figure out how to take care of myself and train.  It's been good. I've started running in the morning and I've managed to fit in BJJ training 3x a week.  I'm going to be able to train in the morning now because Robot made morning class MWF now, and I LOVE the new morning instructor.

I learned SO much this morning.  Arun (my morning instructor) let us pick a move that we have a hard time with, and drill it over and over and over.  I picked my arm across sweep from closed guard.  I have great attacks from closed guard, a hip bump sweep, and sometimes I can get an arm across and take the back.  But I honestly have NO SWEEPS from closed guard.  None.  And I end up being exhausted from trying to keep my guard and attack.

After working with Arun all morning, I realized what I had been doing wrong and finally and really and truly understood the closed guard arm across sweep.  We changed up how I get my grips, how I pop up and take the back hook, and then worked on my posting.  It turns out I wasn't posting high enough and just wasn't understanding the swivel that I need to do with my legs, and I was stopping my own momentum by landing flat on my back.  It's hard to explain.  I'll work on explaining it.

Needless to say, I'm baaaaAAAaaaaack!!

Mad Sweeps

I've got mad sweeps. FINALLY!!! I finally feel like I can say that and mean it. Because tonight, I swept a guy almost a foot taller than me who had at least 50 pounds on me. That's right. And you know what?

Maybe he didn't want to smash me during the half guard positional sparring drill.

Maybe he thought he would hurt me.

Maybe I don't care why he let me shrimp down and get ahold of his foot and then turn my knees to the mat and push with my shoulder.

A sweep is a sweep is a sweep. We've been working half guard and the old school sweep for two weeks. I know my shit. I want to win. I want to sweep. I want to practice what I've been learning.

Maybe next time he should take me seriously. And I'll still sweep him. ;)

Frustration

I haven't made it to Robot since last Friday. My job keeps getting in the way. I make it to the office, ass in chair, by 8 every day. I take a 30 minute lunch -- tops. I work efficiently and diligently, and without fail this last week every time I was getting up to head to the gym I got a call or an emergency issue to deal with.

It doesn't feel fair. How can it be so hard to be walking out the door at 6 when I've been at the office since 8? The 7:30 class I can totally do, but it isn't for my belt level anymore. If I want my blue I have to attend the 6:30 class regularly. For some reason my office just cannot seem to let me go by 6.

I read these posts by black belts and higher belts about how you can't let any excuse get in the way of training, that you have to figure out a way to make it work, and I get really frustrated. I don't know what else to do. I've even tried getting to the office at 7 (after having trained until 9:30 the night before) and I still get calls and issues to deal with at 6. If I leave the office anyway and deal with it after class, I could be fired. Really. So these posts about not letting work be an excuse...are they saying to risk getting fired? I don't get it.

Maybe I could go to the two morning classes a week my gym has...I don't know. I'm extremely frustrated at trying to balance work and training, and I can't seem to find a way out of it.

93 Guard and a Free Back Adjustment

I made it to class last night. Victory!!!

Though I still don't feel stable enough to do the take-down portion of class, since the hubs is hobbled with an injured ankle I practiced my positions on him during that portion and got a good warm-up sweat on.

We are moving on to the 93 Guard, and I think I'm really going to like it. I have issues with the Butterfly Guard but 93 feels natural to me so far. Alex was there, and she is such a hilarious trip and fun to drill with that I was in giggles and fits the whole time.

When we moved onto sparring, Jane declared it girl-on-girl sparring night since we had four girls there (Jane, Bri, Alex, and me) and it was a lot of fun. I didn't attempt a scissor sweep (such a CHICKEN when it comes to opening my guard), but I did get submissions and started the arm-across series, though didn't finish it. I managed to pass Jane's crazy guard, but couldn't do any thing from mount and got bumped off and, of course, triangled. Damn. Bri gave me a free, unintentional back adjustment. I was in turtle and she was getting her hooks in to stretch me out, and did a very good job, and I heard my entire back from my hips to my shoulders crack. I may have also yelped, considering that she stopped and asked if she was being too rough. :) Bri is brand new to Robot and started out as a wrestler, and then came to BJJ in no-gi, and is just picking up gi BJJ. She moves SO well. I am so screwed when she figures out how to work submissions.

It was a really good night! I'm super excited to get back on the mat and start working sweeps and submissions from 93. I know Tuesdays are not a girl night at Robot, so I'll have to drill with boys, but I'm up for it.

I'll take it as a compliment!

I took Monday off from rolling because, to put it mildly, my entire body hurt. If I had to give one body part priority, it was my neck that was screaming the loudest. Turns out that 8 straight days of sparring after nearly two months off takes a toll, and so I sat it out.

Tuesday was great, we are working stand-up and take-downs in every class now, so I still have to sit out the first 15 minutes, but I get to do most of the stuff after. We are on the back-take and chokes from the back, which is stuff I really like. On Tuesday I was more confident and more aggressive and got more taps and more sweeps -- on boys no less! This has never happened before. Jackson was very gracious about being tapped by a girl and was even asking me how I managed to do it, and stunned that I had baited him into thinking he was getting a sweep that was actually a submission. In his defense, he is actually really new and didn't understand that reversing mount is actually not a sweep because it is going from an inferior position to another arguably inferior position. I was in mount, trying to get the cross collar, and let him reverse mount into my closed guard so I could finish the choke. Sneaky, eh? It only works on newbs, but I take what I can get.

Yesterday I was pretty woozy, but when to class anyway. We were working the rolling back take, rear naked choke, bow and arrow, and the clock choke. Kate was working with the new girl, and so I paired up with a guy named Mike for drilling. No big deal, he was a white belt about my size (in weight), but I don't really know him. He seemed nice enough, but was sort of being teacher-y about the moves as if he knew more than me. That's OK, I've been gone awhile and I get that. He doesn't know I've been training for over a year.

Once we got to sparring, Kate paired up with the new girl again, and it just so happened Mike was open and Tim matched us up. At first I think Mike was going easy on me, the way some guys do with a girl in general; not wanting to muscle, using technique, trying not to smash -- which I actually appreciate. I, on the other hand, do not hold back. I'm training for a tournament, and our academy in general spars at competition speed unless someone asks to go light. As we kept going he started to get more and more frustrated that he was not able to tap me and was going harder and harder and harder and just kept escaping and moving and pushing and getting out. I do not exaggerate when I say I think I got out of about 15 submission attempts by him, including 5 armbars and 3 triangles. I had actually gotten mount at one point, which he reversed (I really need to work on not getting bumped off), and when the timer rang I had just popped my knee up into knee-on-belly from side control after having stack passed his triangle submission attempt.

I shook hands, smiled, thanked him, and said "nice work" at which point he slapped the mat and said "for who? you?" and got up and stormed off. I sat there totally confused. Did I do something wrong? What just happened? Then I realized I may have actually frustrated him because he didn't beat me! I was just trying to survive and do my technique the best I could in preparation for the tournament I have coming up, and try to be aggressive instead of defensive -- maybe it worked!!! Maybe I am finally getting the hang of this after 18 months!!

At first I was a little irked that he wasn't as gracious as Jackson had been the night before when he asked me questions about how I had submitted him or gotten past certain things. Then I decided that I would take his attitude as a compliment. I frustrated an opponent!! Usually they try to make me feel better for being so easy to beat. This time I felt like I needed to make him feel better for not being so easy to beat. Looks like maybe tides are changing...

All Women Open Mat. Otherwise known as my very own BJJ heaven.

Today I finished up my first full week back on the mat with an all women's open mat in Torrance at Let's Roll BJJ. It's organized by the Facebook group, SoCal Women BJJ, organized by the M3 academy in Montrose, CA and has been gaining momentum for months. It was so great to have so many women on the mat at once for something other than a tournament! There were at least three black belts, a brown belt, several blue belts, and a whole mess of white belts to roll with. The photo to the right isn't even a full picture of all of us; I think that about 5 girls had left by the time it was taken.

I've come up with three great things about the whole experience:

First, I didn't have to think twice about who to roll with. If someone asked, I automatically said yes. Or, if I saw someone sitting out, I just asked them if they were down to roll. I wasn't sizing anyone up, because everyone was about the same size. That never happens to me! I'm so terrified of being smashed on by big guys that I get all lock-jawed when it comes to rolling with them. No fear today!

Second, the whole vibe was really laid back and supportive. Everyone was really into learning from each other and even though, of course, someone is going to win at some point and get a submission (or declare the roll over due to exhaustion) the entire event was more about learning and growing together and trying things out than smashing on each other.

Third, I actually got some sweeps, mounts and taps! I did! Me! I still have some blank spots and there were a few times that I knew I had something and could not for the life of me remember how to finish it, but that's OK. I have never ever in my entire BJJ experience tried for a sweep and gotten it. Ever. Until today. Really. And it was from HALF GUARD, which for me may as well be called "it-is-only-a-matter-of-time-until-this-is-over-guard."

Even though I know I have a long way to go, I'm really happy with how I did today. More than that, I am so happy to be back and feeling healthy. I didn't feel a single moment of vertigo today, and only about two or three moments yesterday that weren't to intense. I'm feeling so good that I'm not even regretting registering for the Grappling X tournament, and if I'm not careful I may start to feel like I have a shot at a medal.

Frustration

Lately I feel thwarted at every turn with BJJ. This week I can't even seem to get on the mat.

I'm a trial attorney, and so "unpredictable" is a nice word for what my work schedule is like. This means that despite the best of intentions, I can find out five minutes before I leave the office that I'm pulling an all-nighter. Lately, what I've been doing to compensate for billing 300 hours a month is getting to the office as soon as possible, and then making myself hit the gym at 7 for class. Turns out, even though really all I do physically is sit at a desk for 12 hours, I'm still completely drained from my day.

On Wednesday, I was so excited to make it to Robot in time for class, despite having billed 14 hours. Halfway through the warm up, the room started tilting and I couldn't make it stop. My inner ear disorder that causes vertigo for a variety of reasons (stress, lack of sleep, excessive salt, MSG, allergies...) and it was back with a vengeance. It was all I could do to not throw up all over the mat, and sit calmly until it passed enough that I could drive home.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I haven't trained in months. Nationals are coming up, and it kills me to miss them because competitions are such a huge help for me to figure out where the weaknesses in my game are. But I know if I register, I'll just get smashed to pieces and beat myself up over it.

Life is all about balance, and I just can't seem to find mine anywhere lately.